Seriously, Learn to respect Women!

I don’t disrespect elders.

Disrespect is something that has never been tolerated in my family all through my growing up years. The elders were always right, we never saw their flaws but reasoned out all their wrong doings that we observed, making excuses for their sloppiness, their carelessness and the rude remarks they made.

But today, I am running short of excuses for elderly Guru who made insensitive remark. 

I am shocked with what the self-proclaimed guru, AsaRam had to say. “The rape would not have happened if the victim was more careful” he says. Excuse me? Address the rapist as ‘brother’ and he is likely to change his intention? A man who is charged with lusty desires and has no sensitivity nor the respect for a woman will change his intention (just in a flash) as soon as he hears the word ‘brother’ spilling out of woman’s lips?

Give me a break!

His spokesperson, Neelam, defends her Guru and blames the victim too, saying that she would never board a bus full of men and would rather take a taxi. 

This is ridiculous! 

When too many auto-rickshaws refuse, it gets so frustrating that we normally look for an alternative route, we don’t get suspicious if we are offered a lift by a private bus, specially if we are asked to pay for the journey.

Honestly speaking, I cannot understand people’s blind faith in Gurus. Why do people dote on them so much and believe them to be Gods? They are human beings (just like you and me) who are here to guide their devotees to follow a path to spirituality, to find the supreme power within them, to maintain peace within. But only some Gurus are sincere and focused. Most of them are still trapped in social circus and will do anything to bring the attention, even if it means making a fool of themselves with their insensitive remarks. Misogynist godmen influence their million followers to become misogynist.

It is unfortunate, that 23-year-old was raped so brutally and was not able to survive, but to blame the victim for the crime committed by men is not fair at all.

Instead of learning to respect women and changing their mind set, the men continue to blame women for the cruelty of men.

What has dress sense and decision to make a living got to do with modesty?

I am not sure whether these men are foolish or they wish to be in limelight, but since December 16^th, when this horrendous incident took place, except for our Prime Minister (who just utters ‘theekhai’ and a complete silence from Sonia Gandhi(the decision maker?), there has been continuous stream of insensitive remarks made by some or the other political/religious leaders.

Is there some kind of competition on who has the worst ‘foot-in-the-mouth-disease-with-disgusting-comments’?

What has mobiles and noodles got to do with women’s behavior

Why can’t men change his mindset and learn to respect women?

Men have never learnt to respect women, history tells it all. The great epics of Mahabharata and Ramayana offers insight on how the rape works in India: Abduction by Ravana of Sita who dared to cross the Laxman-Rekha, thus blaming the woman for going beyond her restricted area and entering the open space. 

“Women should wear overcoats and travel in separate buses”

“Fashionable women provoke rape”

Women should sit at home like private property of men”

The wrath of Draupati on Dushashana’s assault while her husbands and the clan watched silently, cannot be ignored. She promised to keep her hair loose till she got her justice and a possible war to destroy the clan to get her revenge.  She berated men for their inability to defend her and reminded them that her body belong to her and not to be used as a property to be given away to Kauravas over a gambling game. 

The protest that followed after the assault of 23years old girl (whom the nation addressed as Braveheart) was the similar anger at the government for not taking necessary action to protect the women and making streets safe.

Not just in India, but women around the world are exploited, molested and raped by these deplorable men.

Women's rights activist and author of The Vagina Monologues, Eve Ensler, tells NDTV that she sees a breakthrough happening in India with the nation breaking its silence on rape.

http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/the-buck-stops-here/in-conversation-with-eve-ensler/261009?hp

On 14^th February, V-day’s 15^th anniversary, one billion women and girls from around the world will come together to express their outrage and rise in defiance of the injustices women suffer.

Indian women will also participate, demanding an end to violence against women that include rape, molestation, dowry, girl-child abortions, etc. 

World is changing, more and more women are getting educated, they are going to become important decision makers in the future, and such insensitive comments has to stop. 

Whatever they decide to wear, it’s their body; it does not imply that they are asking for rape.

All these ‘dented and painted’ sexist comments have to stop! Women are intelligent, they can differentiate right from wrong, and men should learn to deal with it. 

Living in an Unsafe World

No, Don’t wish me ‘Happy New Year’ I am not in mood. There is nothing to celebrate. You tell me to move on, things are not going to change.

How can I?

I am still angry and distressed when I think about the suffering she went through at the heinous acts of six men. Each time I think of her, a chill runs through my spine. Did they have no consciousness and the sensitivity of a human being? Is their desire for violence so strong that they lose all their decency? What kind of parents do they have? Should I blame these parents who have been unsuccessful in instilling good values in their family? Or should I blame the system that does not enforce strict laws?

Good upbringing and proper communication with the parents plays a very important role in the development of a child. It depends on moral values instilled in childhood that shapes up their personality. Poverty and social status has nothing to do with the kind of person you will grow up to be.

Whatever values are induced in our system during childhood remains with us forever.

I lost my father at the age of 3years and childhood was difficult with limited funds to sustain but my mom was a strong woman who always reminded us to follow a clean path. She instilled fear in us from doing anything wrong. I don’t lie, nor steal or commit any crime, why? Because I belong to a polished family, where mom always stuck to the truth.

This was possible because there was no communication gap.

Who are these men then, who commit such crimes? Can I blame their parents? Are they violent because they did not grow up in healthy environment or they grew up in the house where there was no order and discipline? Maybe their parents were so busy in their own problems that they could not communicate with their children during their growing up years.

Or should I blame the system? 

So many crimes are committed everyday and there is no law to protect its’ citizens. There are no severe punishments and many of the crimes are not even reported because of the slack judiciary system, But then, I am thinking whether such crimes happen in foreign countries too and how do they succeed in controlling crime? whether people do eve-teasing just for fun to get some cheap thrills?

When I travel abroad I see lots of bare skin, on the beaches, in the clubs and even on the streets. Group of women are seen at the bar, drinking hard drinks, laughing loudly, dancing with strangers. They are not loose women, they are just girls who want to have fun. They are not molested or raped. Men don’t stare. Nobody bothers them.

Indians have never learnt to respect women. Whether you are Sita or Draupati, men will never respect you. This is the mind-set of Indian men. They feel their need to dominate over woman.

The family is the basic cell of government: it is where we are trained to believe that we are human beings or that we are chattel, it is where we are trained to see the sex and race divisions and become callous to injustice even if it is done to ourselves, to accept as biological a full system of authoritarian government.~ Gloria Steinem

However strict the laws will be, unless we change the attitude and mentality of men in the society, we will never be a free nation.

Wordless Wednesday _Women Power

Break the bones of Violence

At the age of 11 years, I had decided never to marry.

Mom told me that there is no true love in this world, it’s just all about compromise……”What you see in the movies is all myth,”, said mom, “ life is a long struggle of do’s and don’ts, and there is too much sadness and difficulties for a married woman. It’s better you study, be well-educated and make yourself independent, if you have enough money to support yourself, there is really no need to marry.” She said.

True that!

Over the years I have realized that if you have enough money, education and a firm belief in yourself, life for you is a better lot than those who have no faith in themselves, no spine to fight back and cannot respect themselves. If you decide to remain single, it’s not a curse at all but if you are married then you should learn to hold your reins of happiness.

And the stories that I have read over the week on ‘Violence towards women’ are very distressing too….and many-a-times I count my blessings on remaining single.

I am not sure how I would have dealt with this situation if I had to face one, but I do know that I am not likely to take shit from anyone....er..again I am not sure...

My point is not that you walk out of an abusive marriage but that you should not allow somebody to take advantage of you.

If he is taunting unnecessarily or randomly teasing you, it’s better to ignore him than to react, you don’t have to listen to his every complaint if you feel that he has ‘Middle-cast-mentality’. Fear is the main key of violence. When we show fear, we become subdued and that gives them greater pleasure in making him believe that he is powerful.

I am not a man-hater; in fact, I enjoy male company more than women’s company. I am not the type who enjoys discussing maid’s and children’s problems. I instead enjoy discussion on money and investments, life-styles and travel, movies and books and listening to lotsa jokes. I get along with all my male cousins, BIL’s, friend’s spouse and can talk endless on any topic with them, without being attracted to them or flirting with them. Some of them are abusive to their spouse (and I do voice my discomfort when they do so) but personally I feel they can be trained to behave themselves.

My point is that do not allow your spouse to abuse you under any circumstances, stand there firm and fix that problem.

Very easily said!!!!!

During this month of October, there is a campaign of ‘Violence Against Women Awareness Month’, that shouts “stand up, speak out, reach out”

I agree that every woman should be able to stand up and speak up for themselves but you cannot reach out to anybody else because nobody can help you except you, yourself.

Domestic violence rages in India, even against women of a new generation educated, capable of being financially independent, articulate. It rages because we allow it to.


Not that I have not tried to help people but many times I have heard them turn their back on me with statements like:

“You have never loved anyone that passionately, what do you know about love? Just little abuse is no reason to walk away, he loves me a lot and showers me with expensive gifts”

“You are single, you will never understand our problem, we can’t leave, this is our fate, we have learnt to compromise”

“If I will leave him, will you support me? No nah? Then leave me alone, you mind your own business or else I will tell my hubby”

“My family says to get a divorce and get the money then we will help you settle down, you have our full support”

“Actually he is very nice its only when my MIL or SIL interfere that he gets violent”

“Otherwise he is a gem, it’s only when he drunk that he becomes violent, I try to hide his bottles it’s my fault really”

Gem? He is violent only when he is drunk? But he drinks too much almost every day! No, my dear friend, it’s not your fault, you are supposed to hide those bottles or else help him see how his drinking is affecting you, but you won’t tell him that because you are living in fear, you are afraid that he will slap you.

Why didn’t you stop him the first time when he raised his hand on you? Why didn’t you stop him the first time he raised his voice over the silly mistake that you made?

That was the first time he tasted the blood of your cowardice and smacked his lips.

Women are not that weak as they are believed to be. When the abuse and torture exceeds the limitation of tolerance she is capable of doing drastic action.

“I want to show the women who are suffering that they are not weak. We are hard workers, we are strong. Women can do anything, and we can do it without men”

says Kiranjit Ahluwalia, on whose experience a film called “Provoked” starring Aishwaraya Rai as Kiranjit was made.

Yes, women are not weak and men are charming too, it’s the link that is delicate, if we wash our dirty linen in public there will be more complications than solutions. With understanding and proper communications, the problems can be ironed out.

Life is a very long journey, respecting each other’s needs is very important and if you can neither adjust, nor are you strong enough to change him, then stay single, it’s a bliss…..but only if you have a strong spine of your own.

Insensitive nah? How could I say that?

Well,.....er... The above opinion that I have is from the society that I have been exposed to, it is about the people who have walked out of marriage and then suffered at their parent’s home and have been coaxed to return back, These are the parents of high status who want to hush up everything. Parents of such women are not sure if their sibling will take care of them in future, and are not willing to help them settle until they get a divorce and bring back some alimony for themselves.

It is to these women that I say ‘don’t allow’ to be taken advantage of, stand firm and don’t allow abuse.

But I have realized that there is much too much pain out there, especially in middle and lower caste families, where people are brutally raped/tortured/ abused in the most inhuman way.


October is VAWAmonth and let me share their twitter links of VAWMonth and VAWAM where there is an open conversation about this issue. It is at their blogs at VAWMonth and BelBajoa that I have realized how very cruel life these women lead and how much help they need to come out of their pathetic situation and if you have capacity to help them, please help, it’s a day well-spent.

CSAAM April 2011- 'Unsafe World'.

“Don’t ever get married, Maria” said Annie to her sister after her first wedding night, “All men are dogs, a real crazy dogs! They suck the life off you. I feel dirty all over and I have taken bath twice since morning.”

Maria glared at her, letting the words seep in, she had never wanted to get married, not then, for she was quite young. In fact, she had decided long ago that she would never ever get married. But listening to her sister talk about her lawful husband like that seemed so wierd. Were men so violent with their wives too? She had been afraid of men for many years now. Each time, any boy/men had tried to talk to her, her heart would skip a beat, she would feel the heat under her ear-lobes, on her cheeks and a current of chill pass through her bones, she would try to find some ways to escape, making an excuse to walk out, or else shift his attention to some other interesting stuff. She could never take a compliment in her stride, especially not from men; she knew men had only one thought in their mind and that all the conversations would finally lead to sex.

During her school years too, she was a loner and had a very low self esteem, she hated long lunch breaks during which while her school friends laughed and played, she would prefer to sneak down to the nursery section of the school and watch the tiny tots in their activities. Children were real time-pass and they gave her all the pleasure and happiness, she believed that only children’s smiles were innocent and pure; the adult world was too cruel for her to adjust.

Nobody had told her about good/ bad touch when she was barely five years old. With father always in and out of hospitals, mother was too occupied nursing and taking care of the house. “Go out and play, there is too much work to do, you are making too much noise at home, go to the stairway and play out there.” Her mom would scream each time she took out her dolls to play.

So, most of her time she played on the stairway which had long veranda, enough space to run and scream and came home only to eat meals or to sleep, there were four more girls of her age in the same building, with whom she would play and they were her friends. They would play hide-n-seek, or slide down the railings of the stairway or walk down to the building compound to play some out-door games. The building had many men visitors. They were dhobis, watchmen, postmen, plumbers, hawkers, electrician, etc. with whom they often inter-acted. Some of them would offer lollipops to them and then sit with them on the staircase and relate to some expressive fairy tales or songs. The five-years-old never understood that good touch from a bad touch and thought it was the part of the game.

A game that affected their performance at school and they were listed as ‘duffers’ and ignored by teachers who had no patience with them. The teachers punished them for their stupidity and their inability to understand simple explanations during school lessons.

When Marie’s father passed away, they moved away from that neighborhood and migrated to another town. She never went back to meet those friends, never had an opportunity to keep in contact with them. But the fear of strangers clung on in the Meta of her life and subconsciously, she developed the hatred for men.

“All men are like that only” she said to her sister, Annie.

PS:

World is unsafe, especially for girls who are little and don’t understand good/bad touch which comes to haunt them later in life as it shapes their life to adjust in the ‘perfect’ world. Read the bloggers’ stories, survivor’s stories and advice from experts who have come together under one umbrella to talk openly during this Child sexual abuse Awareness month.

more resources on Child abuse at
Sexual abuse in India
Enfold Proactive health trust 
Child protection in India
Practical advice to parents
Centre for prevention and healing of sexually abused child

Fast Women Fast

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Early morning, my fingers grope for BlackBerry, as I lay in bed.

I start my day with the messages that I might have missed while I was sleeping. After reading BB messages, I check my emails, then Facebook, Twitter, Internet explorer. By the time I am ready to get up from the bed, I am already enlightened by my friends’ state of mind and what are they thinking, with the world news, with all the latest jokes and the topic of discussions for a day.

Today, everybody is talking about ‘Karwa-Chaud’, a fast that women keep for health and prosperity of their husband. Abstainers are hoping that their spouse will outlive them.

Ah! I am glad that I am responsible only for my self.

So they fast, those women in red, with large round bindi on their forehead, dark green bangles jingled on their hands but, do their hubbies appreciate and treat them well?

Why do u starve, oh women folk? Know it not that it's an old story told? The health of men depends on his vice; your diet has no ropes on his life.

Starve if you must then it could be, to learn the hunger of a child on the street, whose parents brought him thoughtlessly to quench their greed shamelessly.

You could starve on the days when you have bigger waistline, it pains you to see your unhealthy lifeline, just for day you could stop those fatty canapés that you gorge greedily on a whipped cream.

But then, who am I to advocate? Huh?

All day long I see married women celebrating their fast together, visiting temples, listening to stories of woman achievers who have prospered in their love-life, many of them forgetting and forgiving the abuses that are hurled at them every hour of the day.

They all look so much in love.

In the evening, when I go for open-mike poetry performance at the Prithvi theatre, there are more love poems. Love is in the air. Am I missing something?

The woman recites, "I would like to wrap you all over me, feel your breath and touch your glow," and I am enthralled by her emotive desires. I am thinking “How do you feel when he comes home, swinging his butt, fully drunk, do you say "Duh!"

Late night, my friends and I walk on the beach. This is a Juhu Beach - one of the dirtiest beaches of Mumbai, a beach where one would not risk wetting a toe. The moon shines brightly reflecting its silver rays on the water. It’s a low tide. There is no wind. Everywhere, I see the cluster of women sitting in a group around the burning lamps and incense sticks, praying to the moon.

Having survived without food all day, they offer their prayers to the moon; the conclusion of Karva Chauth involves the offering of sanctified water (arghya) to the moon, as it represents Shiva and Parvati, there will be feast to celebrate with their spouse.

Their spouse will be treated like God today.

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Devotion

Hindu festivals often see large number of devotees throng towards religious places and there are many such place in India.

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But have you ever seen three million women celebrating a festival together with a small plane hovering above the crowd showering flowers over them?? This is the Kerala Festival for women

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I am thinking whether the God attending to their prayers is male or female?